i havent been sleeping well on a regular basis.

i was awake all day friday and saturday.

saturday was the big all day magic tournament in the gym with no air conditioning and about 300 or so other gamer geeks.

i got home from the tournament at around 1 sunday morning and slept until 6 that night when i had to get up and go attend a friend's recital.

(as an aside, attending said friend's recital was a true act of love. i was still tired and dehydrated from sweating out all of my body fluids at the tournament. it was raining and it was dark. i hate driving in the rain. i do not enjoy driving in the dark. i was also not getting any type of academic credit for attending the recital. i am a damn good friend.)

i went out with the friends after the recital for drinks. i still felt like shit and i am not the greatest social type person in the best of situations and i had a horrible time.

i came back to my apartment and slept and sweated and was aware of thunderstorm (which scare me) but i couldnt wake up and my head was killing me and i couldnt wake up but i couldnt actually rest.

i missed class but i went to work this evening. it was only 4 hours but it kicked my ass.

there is nothing more tame than a library.

how did 4 hours in a library putting cd's away kick my ass?

i am back here now. i am tired but i cant sleep.

i need to write.

i feel like the words are seeping out of me in my sweat.

i have nothing intelligent to say out loud.

nothing stresses me out more right now than the thought of picking up a pen and trying to write something that isnt journally.

but i know i need to.

and i cant cant cant.

i am trying to pretend like i dont hate me right now.

like my life is good and like i control what is going on in my head.

all the good counselors will tell you that you know?

that you control what is going on.

i want to yell bullshit.

because surely i would switch the channel to happy or at least not sad.

wouldnt i?

wouldnt i?




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