death by diaryland
rotten
2003-08-14 | 11:52 a.m.
- / +

It's ok. No, really it is. I needed this series of failures to put damper on my raging ego. It just isn't possible or right to be good at everything so I should just take this in stride. My ego isn't raging though. It hasn't ever been. Self-esteem is a concept that I have no personal experience with and it doesn't look like that will change in the near future. I'm not good at everything. I'm not good at anything except for flunking a test every week. I was angry and embarassed about it before. Now it's just a constant depressing humiliation that I can't get free of. I don't know what I'm going to do now. The edge of the chasm has suddenly appeared at my feet. I've been down there before and it's dark and lonely and each second is filled with a lifetime of agonies. I don't want to go again but I'm already falling. Crushed by nothing and everything until I can't breathe. And they look at me and my life and can't understand how I got here. All they see is my charmed exterior not the rotten broken inside so I'm alone before I fall judged before it's my turn. I will see you all in hell.




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